Everyone keeps saying that nothing is set in stone, but it seems quite likely that within the next one or two years I will be on my own. This is depressing because I was really looking forward to the life my mom and I were going to have. She's been presented with an opportunity that she should explore to the fullest, though, and I am happy for her. It's me I'm worried about.
It seems she will be moving to Kansas, which, coincidentally, sits comfortably in my list of top five most hated states in the country. Number one goes to Alabama, though I'm sure if I ever find myself in Arizona it'll quickly take over the top spot.
I've recently begun looking at studio apartments in the Portland area. I haven't seen a decent one for less than $500/month. $500 for a room with a kitchenette and a bathroom! That's crazy. In looking at the general area near where she will be, I don't see anything better. Sadly, it seems money goes further in Wichita. Me in Wichita, KS! As I perused the apartment listings I started to feel sad. Obviously I will be working full-time, somehow, and not as an artist. My dogs will be alone all day and probably piss off every neighbor within a five mile radius. I will come home and make myself a small meal, play with them some (the dogs, not the food), and go to bed. Then I'll get up and do it all over again. Why are you sad? I thought you were an island. This is what you've always wanted.
My weekend evenings are spent alone now. It's not so bad, but last night I realized that I will be alone all the time. For a split second it occurred to me that I should get married. Hi, Brad! I'm so excited for our date. Before we get to the restaurant, though, I think I should tell you something. I don't want to care for you, I just don't want to watch TV by myself for the rest of my life. By the way, I love that tie. It really brings out your eyes. What?! No. No no no.
A part of me wishes I could find someone who also doesn't want any kind of attachment, but that's the basis for a one-star romantic comedy, and I just can't have that. And as for a roommate, that isn't a permanent situation and you can't always rely on someone to hold up their end of things. Granted, you can't in any situation, but there's nothing holding them to it, ya know? No emotional bond. The same could be said of me, but I'm looking out for myself here, not someone else.
No, I want to do this on my own. Somehow. The obvious solution is to win the lottery so I can buy a house. Yeah, I'd still be alone, but I'd have my own space. So I'll start playing on Friday. In the meantime, I am still drawing, though it's hard to feel creative right now. I've also gained five pounds, but whatever. Maybe I'll gain another five just for fun.
My problem is that I'm not proactive. I just react to things. I don't know what I am going to do now. How's that for a reaction?
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